Whose vagina is it anyway?

Photo credit: Google
Photo credit: Google

Here is the thing! This is August 2014, no woman should get judged for having consensual sex. It could be casual, a one-night stand or within a long-term relationship. Whatever it is. However, a woman chooses to explore her sexuality is up to her. No woman should be judged for what she does with her body. My point is, if we can establish that a woman is having sex because she wants to and not under duress, everyone, including preachers and chiefs must respect her right to her sexuality.

Last week, a Tamale chief issued a ‘fatwa’ [death sentence ] against the girls on that leaked sex tape. Naa-Dakpema Dawuni Alhassan wants the women hanged-drawn-and-quartered for having sex. He wants them fired from their jobs and banished from Tamale.

“I say they should be driven away from Tamale because if we allow them to stay, they are going to bring something new to the youth of Tamale,” Naa-Dakpema Alhassan said.

Never mind that these women were on the tape with a man. Sex tapes don’t make any sense. If the sex is that mind-blowingly amazing, why don’t you just redo it? Sex tapes fall under the category of things not done under the influence of sex. There are too many examples of how that adventure leads to world-wide shaming and stigma. But many people only learn by repeating the mistakes of others. So if an adult couple decides against all evidence and makes one, we should remember it was done behind closed doors.

In the Tamale case, a grown man filmed himself performing various sexual acts with over fifty women. Yet Naa-Dakpema Alhassan didn’t have any sanctions for this man or whoever decided the tape was good for national consumption. Someone in this equation ought to be sanctioned, but it’s not the women.
Naa-Dakpema Alhassan’s rage comes from the same place. Ghanaian men get their scorn for women who dare to have sex because they want to. It is alright for a man to have many sexual partners but abominable for women to do same. A man’s virility is even measured in some circles by the number of women he has had sex with. But a woman who does the same is labeled ‘loose’ by these same men.

Thus, men here talk about consensual sex using phrases like; “A is giving it to X, Y has chopped B, Z has been using that C’s machine.” The ‘machine’ refers to the vagina, and ‘chopping’ means having sex. They speak like the male member extends by a few inches while the vaginal walls lose a few muscles during sex.

Last Friday, a leading Pastor in Ghana reportedly told the women in his congregation that “when you are a young unmarried lady who sleeps with a lot of people, you are like an apple that has been bitten by many men. In the end, the person who marries you ends up with a terrible-looking, well-used product.”

I hope this preacher who is also a medical doctor knows that you cannot judge a book by its cover. There is nothing on the body that records the number of sexual partners as women go along. How come only women end up looking terrible and used after sex with many partners? What happens to the men?

I get where the preacher’s comment comes from. The two major religions in Ghana, Christianity, and Islam forbid sex before marriage – sex is reserved for procreation – and righteous folks only procreate within marriage.

But Ghanaians are not that holy; many are having sex outside marriage. Not everyone is filming it, but everyone is having some kind of sex. Teenagers are experimenting with adults and peers. Male pastors are sleeping with members of their congregations, students are doing it with lecturers, and married men and women are having sex with people outside the union. Traditional priests are doing it on behalf of the gods. Ghanaians are like bunnies behind closed doors.

This is why I am deeply troubled by the pastor’s comments quoted above. During sex, partners yield to one another, there is no superior person in the room. Women are not used as soap during sex either. Righteous folks must recognize that women are as sexual as men.

Many will have many sexual partners before marriage because it is just the way of the world. If it doesn’t degrade a man to have many sexual partners, it shouldn’t degrade a woman either. So with all due respect, i would like to ask all men to get out of the sex lives of women. It is her vagina, her decision.

35 thoughts on “Whose vagina is it anyway?”
  1. Interesting and liberating view, so let us work on how we get socialized in our homes, schools, churches, and mosques.

  2. Hhahahahahahaha…..i like this piece….you hit the nail on the head dear….true talk n i think its high time we started a massive campaign on sexual rights of women.

  3. Its high time women spoke about some of these practices. The fact that you have had sex with someone should not make you less of a human being. Its rather sad that women get all the bashing!!!!!! We should start the and so what mantra, that will help.

  4. Well said? Liberating? Sometimes there are things you feel so terrible about but are glad others share in it.
    Doesn’t soumd like this piece is promoting any decency or common good.
    Will you teach our children to have indiscriminate sex because it’s their vagina?

    What is good is good. What is bad is bad. And it’s all in our hearts, beckoning.
    Yes it’s her vagina, her decision but how smart is that?

    1. Kojo I believe she is not taking stands in the moral perspective. She is simply saying women do not have sex along they have sex with men, so if you are quick to judge the woman, judge the men as well……

    2. Kojo I believe she is not taking stands in the moral perspective. She is simply saying women do not have sex along they have sex with men, so if you are quick to judge the woman, judge the men as well……

    3. I will teach my daughters to own their bodies and choose who they share it with carefully. I will tell them not to be hide their sexuality under layers of lies because they will be judged. And i will teach my sons to respect the women they’ll date. Treat them with respect by not kissing and telling on them. They will also know not shame a woman because she had sex with them. It was just sex. It doesn’t take anything away from them.

      1. Its just sex? It doesnt take anything from them? Nana Ama, then why do women get so upset if a man dump them in a relationship? Because most of them feel they have been ‘used’, ‘he broke my virginity’, ‘he took advantage of me’, etc. So please its not that simple to say “its just sex. It doesnt take anything from them” . It takes a lot to have eex with someone. Its not just a physical act. Its a deep thing sis.!!!

  5. Glad to read something so intelligent and refreshing this morning. I believe the writer has taken lessons in gender sensitivity, language, bias and the like. You took your lessons seriously girl, thumbs up.
    Now on to those criticizing her perspective, she is not taking any moral stand all she’s saying is judge the woman the same way you judge the man, simple!
    If the man can choose to sleep with many and not be shamed, so can the woman. The man isn’t more human than the woman.

  6. That’s a wonderful piece. Why are men left off the hook when it comes multiplicity of partners? Women only take the flak? The vagina belongs to them. Period!!!!

  7. Very enlightening piece. It’s high time men and women are judged with the same yardstick. What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. The hypocrisy must end. No one has the moral ight to have multiple

  8. hahaha I take it a woman then proposes to the man lmao. Look, its simple. Its an unfair world. Men and women can fuck around but ultimately men choose who to marry. Most men would want someone “clean” and innocent for marriage.

    1. Really? They want ‘clean’ and innocent to marry? You can’t have your cake and eat it too. My point is if you are having sex outside marriage as man, you have no right to judge any woman who does same. If you want an innocent woman, by all means go find one.

  9. Of course every woman owns their vagina; and each of them should be free to do as they please with it. But then again, I think we all realise that there are consequences for every action we take. Women can, and ought to, do to their vaginas as they please. But by the same parity of reasoning I think it’s fair that guys should also be free to choose which vagina they want to be stuck with for the rest of their lives. It’s all about choices; it’s a free world.

    1. I agree. Sex should be tied to marriage. This requires that men and women declare their intentions from the get-go. One can’t want marriage while the other wants just sex.

  10. The issue is deeper than it seems and would take a lot more than an honest article to solve it. Cultural perceptions of sex have led to this. My hypothesis: men are viewed as purely physical, and tend to initiate the act most of the time; they ask for it. This makes them the appear as recievers. Women, as givers, are ‘losing’; the men ‘gaining’. Thus the positive connotation for men and the negative connotation for women. The imbalance of the ratio of women who initiate sex, in our society at least, feeds the perception. Even in more liberal societies men who ‘give’ sex are hailed by other men as ‘Casanovas’, ‘Adonis’ gods gift to women.

  11. I beg to differ. Gathering from the circles I belong to (i.e. work, church, friends and family), no one has even made any derogatory remark about the ladies in the leaked pictures/videos. The focus has rather been on the gentleman. Why would he want to sleep with so many ladies? Why did he document them so vividly? These are the questions people have asked. I believe it was the gentleman that was interviewed on a number of radio stations too and not the ladies. And the lines of questioning sort to understand why he did that. Meaning, what he did is not the norm.

    It is only the Tamale chief , I have heard attacking the ladies. So then, I take it that a greater number of person are rather appalled by the behaviour of the gentlemen rather than the ladies.
    I therefore do not agree that our society accepts it when a man sleeps with many women but does not accept it only when it is the woman that sleeps with many men.

    Again in my circles, a single lady who is really sexually expressive, that have the guts to call up a guy she isn’t dating and say, “I feeling peckish, would you want to fuck me?” is rather hailed and like better than the ‘goody goody two shoes’ kind of lady.

    About the language, ‘A’ has given it to ‘B’, Kofi has ‘chopped’ Ama, it is a matter if physiology. The vagina is a hole, the penis is a rod. the vagina receives the penis. It merely describes the physical interaction when having sex. And it is because men exert the most energy; thrusting and humping in sex acts.
    On the other hand when the woman is dominant during sex, the ladies say, “I fucked him”. And the guys, “she fucked me bad”. These phrases, however are more common in more socially aware societies.

    Get the ladies to be more sexually dominant in bed and the language will change.

  12. Very inspiring!Women,ladies please do communicate in sex and make it a two party thing.Not a one party thing.besides we both enjoy IT!God bless you nana Ama

  13. well said…but it’s a fact that women have the tendency to control themselves more than the men in relation to sex. so in a situation where as a woman, you are not able to exercise that and you keep on flexing your vagina around to any tom, dick and harry then i guess you are in deep sh*t.

  14. good piece. but i always make funny but true statements about the issues raised
    firstly It’s natural order that allows men to have sex with as many women and no one complains( Not encouraging it though). lets take
    1. Pollination – Pollen from one male anther is good enough to fertilize as a many stigma.
    2. How many times have you seen a farmer taking like 12 male to just go an cross a female type.. it’s always like One good breed of a male to cross like 20 female kinds. ( always the number of female is far more than males number)
    3. The Master Key Story: a master key is able to unlock many door keyholes but a door which opens up to any key is considered useless

    Now the pastor’s story can be linked to the master key theory. having sex can be likened to the key and keyhole.
    As various keys try to unlock, definitely this keyhole will start developing rough edges and will lose it’s shine.( though one key can cause this as well).

    Preaching about sexual rights i would rather say it’s women started being more responsible because most often these sex tapes/pix come out and it shows more of the women than men. Why so? it has been about few men and plenty women. why so? it’s time you looked at being more responsible than sexual rights because nobody / no law curtails your sexual right.

    1. I’m sorry Quofi but u were so selective in your thoughts u left out the most fundamental of examples…. spare a Thought for the millions of sperms per ejaculate sent out on the dark, arduous and omnious journey searching for a single ( rarely a couple of ) eggs released by a woman in each menstrual cycle to produce u, I and our progeny. A single ovum has so many sperms to consider, try out, taste and test before she lets one internalize in vitro, why does it have to be the other way in vivo???

    2. Quophi! you’ve said it all. excellent analysis. I really like Nana Ama. her courage, boldness, and intellect. But she just got this wrong.

  15. Well, This is a very ambiguous view made, because I’m sure not everyone is going to understand this the same way. Some will definately back this and some will also critisize. In the indigenous Ghanaian society, this view will never be accepted, but considering rights and privacy, I think it will have a very strong stand. The females who engage in these uncanny activities personally have the rights and freedoms to do so, but all they have to do is just to make sure that their rights don’t trample on the rights of other people like children under age, and the well respected and disciplined in the society. These videos and sex tapes will be so indiscipline and catastrophic to those who aren’t in the accepted criteria to watch these like the above mentioned. And I’m afraid that’s where the trouble comes in.

  16. Lovely piece… You raised my exact views on the pastor statement..we live in a society which rewards men with ego for promiscuity and purnish women for daring to enjoy sex…my question is” if we socialise our boys that its ok to have sex young but socialise the girls that its taboo do the same, who are the boy suppose to be having sex with?other boys?..wink* wink* there is something fundamentally wrong with our society’s perception sex and sexuality..

  17. As a crusader for feminine power, you have to use your writing ability to scold and shame your fellow girls who think the only way to acquire some material possession is the opportunity to strip naked and have sex with men. I think it is insulting to my mom that girls are lured by promises of mobile phones and cash just to have sex; which was how the Tamale man was able to secure so many girls, including nurses and nursing students, polytechnic and UDS students. Please redirect your focus to those members of your gender who continuously shame women, and leave the male ego to enjoy its sexual pride!

    Please reconsider your over generalizations.

  18. 1. A “fatwah” doesn’t mean “death sentence”. A fatwah is a religious opinion.

    2. In all fairness to the Dakpema, he also illegally threatened to flog the young man to death and to have his father’s house torched (yes, he actually said that). Thank God he has no authority to harm either the already hurt girls or the boy.

  19. I think this is directly related to our societal brainwashing on two things; 1. Girls are clean, boys are dirty. 2. Sex is dirty. So in the end, it’s okay for boys because boys are dirty and when girls do it: “AHA! We caught you”. I also find nothing absolutely wrong with anyone making a sextape. Hey freedom right, so if I want to learn where I went wrong or I want to see my talents and their effect, I have a right. The problem is the distribution. Why hasn’t the police and law enforcement agencies taken action to close down sites hosting these videos and arresting source distributors of these videos. If I have the story right, the videos were stolen. That is the crime, not the sex. And how are the sextapes and pictures distributed? By ‘we ourselves'[GH Lingua], (Our morally upright selves). We’re just a bunch of jealous hypocrites. (Did someone say 50+! Wow! Every girls dream *smile*)

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